Are You Dating Again?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Love Triangle Case #1 – What would you do?

I received a difficult client call today and have decided to share this client's story; as this is not typical of most love-triangles I am asked to give advice on. This client has been calling me for some time as I have been  giving her survival tools through all the below difficult twists and turns.

This couple originally met as singles. She was left by her husband and He had already separated from his wife.

Her husband asked that he be given another chance, there were still children at home and she felt it would not be fair to the children to say ‘no’.  Her husband immediately moved back home.

The man reconsidering that he was not dating anyone, and that his ‘ex-wife-to-be’ was giving him ‘grief’ running his family business, also decided to move back home.

Meantime, husband that moved back home did not give up ‘girlfriend’ and was found out. Again, he moved out and filed for divorce.

My client kept getting calls from this man asking how she is going, while her husband files for divorce and the drama of dealing with the divorce and children.

They have pleasant communication and she sees him as kind and caring.

His business gets back on track and he tells Her that He and his wife tolerate each other to make the business do well.

After the divorce, my client had lost some weight and had some ‘cosmetic work done’.  She decides she is ready to date again.

Man talks to woman, before she finds a new dating partner, and proclaims undying love for her.

Fresh out of the divorce she welcomes him into her life, because man claims ‘he is in a loveless marriage’. Two years later, woman decides she wants a ‘potential relationship that will go to marriage’. She decides she prefers marriage to being single and says to the man, “When, if ever, do you plan on leaving your love-less marriage?”

He admits it will be difficult to leave because he has not set up the family business with someone else handling his wife's services and book keeping. He travels for his business, out of state often and for now cannot see his way free. He does add that he loves her and that before two more years are up he will leave his wife.

Up to this point, their on-and-off romance has lasted 5 years. She works, has no other boyfriends and sees her man once or twice a month whenever he can slip away.

She has advanced with her company, oldest of her two children has moved off to college and the youngest child has two more years of high school and eventually plans to move out. She sees her personal life shift where children kept her busy, seeing this man ever so often was good enough.

She is now 43 years old and within two years will be completely free of family responsibilities. She is thinking that a husband to share life with her is what she desires for her long-range plans.

She tells man, to be honest and give her his plans on leaving his loveless marriage. They talk, fight, cry and make-up several times over the next two years. He seems to have crisis after crisis, either travel out of state, illness of wife’s mother and then his mother. This takes up the next two years.

He proclaims love for her, calls and whispers sweet nothings, she calms down with him. She calls me to say he told her that he was ready to move out.

We are now at year 7 of this relationship. She is now 45 years old and youngest child is deciding to spend the 1st year of college at a local JC, to live at home and save money. Man tells woman, “How can I move in with you, since you still has a child at home?” Woman comes back and says, “What an apartment of your own is not good enough?” Conversation goes back and forth; she admits to him that he should get divorced before immediately moving in with her.

Year 8, promises made and broken, frustration of getting older and not seeing this man more than twice a month has left her lonely and frustrated.

She confronts him and questions him of her true role in his life. He does love her and proclaims his life lost without her. Within in a few days, text’s to her that he may never be able to be the man she wants him to be. That at this time in his life, he cannot divorce his wife and break up his business, clearly the wife’s involvement in his business would cause them to bankrupt, if he had to split it with wife.

So, what would you reply to this man if you were this woman? Remember she does love him.

Leave your comments below. I’ll let you know what this woman decides to do next, as this story is still unfolding.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

"On a Clear Day You Can See Forever"

A couple of days ago, I received a call from a new client, he gave me his last name as ‘Nelson’ and I commented back to him that my maiden name was also ‘Nelson’.

I wrote into my 'Log' his name and phone number and asked when he wanted to talk with me. After the booking, I looked back at the log and noticed written down on the column to the left, the name one of my favorite movies, “On a Clear Day, You Can See Forever”. I remember writing that movie title a few days earlier, as a note to refer to that movie in a talk.

Thinking about that movie and the client’s name of Nelson, made me think of my deceased Father who had been killed by a drunk driver when I was six years old. My thoughts of a long-ago parent and what I’ve missed by not having him in my life. Thinking of the movie and soul survival I wondered if my Father has had any influence in my life.

I walked out of my office to talk to my husband, and let him know I was going to the Post Office. He was cleaning out his lunch box, and I asked how the night before work had gone and if he had received any tips for his part-time airport taxi service. He had received a very minimal tip from a couple of elderly people. We talked for a new minutes and I said he would appreciate any ‘tip’ because most careers are ‘tip not-included’ in salary.

Our talk took a turn and though I have given much more time with each and every client and endless hours of talks, church ministry, and other activities I have only had two ‘tips’ in over 20 years of work. I had never thought of this before; nor should it ever conflict with my true intent of helping others and never should I ever feel silted or deprived or to expect otherwise because I have established a fee for my services.

So feeling confident that I have earned my income, I took hold of mail and keys in hand and headed to the car.

Settled in my bright yellow VW, I put in the keys into the ignition and on came my car radio. To my surprise Yves Montand, the star of “On a Clear Day You can See Forever” was singing this theme song! The words I heard first were,

                         “On a clear day, rise and look around you

                          And you’ll see who just prove you are.”

Catching my breath, I listened to the rest of the song.

Turning off the engine I rushed back into the house and told this story to my husband. Breathless I put together my thoughts of my Dad and the timing of Mr. Nelson asking for a session just as I would log his name next to the name of the movie, “On a Clear Day”.

I thanked my ‘Dad’, Bruce Nelson, for visiting me that day, for moving me ever so slightly to get to the car just in time to hear that song. We all need to be validated for our life’s work. I wasn’t aware that I needed to be reminded, but as with all of us in today’s climate of uncertainty we must move forward and trust that the universe has us just where we need to be.